Groceries
by TheSpiritOfHogwarts
Summary: This is the tale of Snape's traumatic trip to the grocery store. Well, it wouldn't have been traumatic if he'd left Voldemort, Lucius, and Bellatrix behind!


**Author's Note:** Hola everybody!! Guess what? It's summer! Wheeeeeeee! Anyway, here it finally is! This story has been in the works for at least two months now! That's mainly because I kept getting writers block, and when I get writer's block it stays for a looooooooonggggg tttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmeeeeee! So anyway, this is the story of Snape's traumatic trip to the grocery store! I hope you like it! And remember, kharma will haunt you if you don't review! :)

**Disclaimer: **Guess what? I recently won the lottery and I bought ownership of the Harry Potter stories from J.K. Rowling. So now I own EVERYTHING!! Mwahahahahaaaaaaaa! ...yea...just kidding! The plot of this fic is mine though!

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Groceries

The infamous Lord Voldemort had graciously agreed to take a break from his hectic schedule, which included plotting, plotting, more plotting, and learning how to properly perform an evil laugh, to walk to the grocery store to pick up food for him and his loyal followers, the Death Eaters. Accompanying him were three of his most trustworthy followers: Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and Bellatrix Lestrange. Because it makes complete sense that a powerful, evil wizard would need an armed, three-person escort to go pick up groceries.

The odd procession had, thus far, made great progress and was only a block from the grocery store. Voldemort was striding along attempting to look powerful and intimidating, though in fact only succeeding in creating the illusion that he was PMSing, while Lucius paced ahead with a bounce in his step that he seemed to think served as an excuse to fix his hair after every step. Behind them came Bellatrix who was cackling evilly to herself and using her wand to blast every flower within eyeshot, and activity that could have been caused either by the time of month or the many years she had spent in Azkaban, it was hard to tell. Bringing up the rear was Snape, carrying a large stack of Potions essays that he was attempting to grade while walking. This attempt had thus far caused him to trip twice, run into three trees, and knock over a small child.

Eventually, the group reached the store. Immediately, Snape plopped down next to a large tower of paper towels and continued grading. The others headed off in their own, separate directions.

Lucius headed past the medical supplies and, after overcoming the momentary distraction provided by the long lists of side effects on the backs of the bottles, managed to find the hair-care section.

Bellatrix marched over to a long aisle of beverages and began systematically loosening the caps on all of the bottles.

Voldemort grabbed a shopping cart and headed off to find sustenance. As he was heading down his first aisle a small orange sticker caught his eye. Upon closer inspection he discovered it possessed a declaration announcing that the jars of peanut butter were buy five, get one free. Ecstatic at having found such a bargain so quickly, he immediately swept the entire shelf into his cart. Humming happily, he had pushed the cart only a few more feet when another sticker caught his eye. Glancing down the aisle, he saw that it was covered in orange stickers. Unable to believe his luck, he began wheeling along at a quicker pace, tossing anything with an orange sticker into the cart as he went.

Approximately half an hour later, Snape glanced up from his massive pile of papers and was extremely surprised to discover that he was alone. He then wasted the next five minutes having a heated debate with himself.

"I should really go and find the others".

"No Severus! What are you thinking? This is your chance! Run! Flee while you still can!"

"I can't just abandon them! What if they get lost?"

"Exactly! They may never come back! Just think of the possibilities! They'd be someone else's problem!"

"But that would mean that the poor muggles would have to deal with them! Knowing that I had caused innocent people to be subjected to the sight of the Dark Lord in his pink footsie pajamas…I don't know if I could live with that".

"Severus, where is your evil spirit? You're supposed to enjoy that! Besides, better them then you!"

"But I'm a double agent! I secretly work for Dumbledo-AH! No one's supposed to know that! TAKE COVER!" As he exclaimed this he shot his pointer finger up in the air, whirled on the spot, and dived behind the paper towels. After remaining in this spot for ten minutes worth of tremble time and thumb sucking, he once again felt confident enough to come out of his hiding spot. Having discovered that arguing with himself while in a public place was NOT a good idea, the reluctant professor set off to retrieve his companions.

Entering the first aisle, Snape spotted Lucius sitting at the end, surrounded by various packages and wrappers. Sighing, Severus headed for the pool of plastic packaging that surrounded Lucius. As he got closer he began to notice that Lucius was covered in white objects. Glancing around him, Severus suddenly realized what aisle he was in and this realization prompted an understanding of what was stuck all over Lucius.

This new understanding caused Snape to stop in his tracks and stare. And stare some more. And as he stared he began to twitch. Lucius chose that moment to look up and notice Snape. "Hi Severus! Look at these cool stickers! They're really big!"

"Lucius, those aren't stickers!"

"They're not?"

"NO!"

"Well then, what are they?"

"Well…um…they're…you know, women's products" Snape explained in a whispered stammer.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Twenty minutes later, after Lucius had finally stopped screaming and Snape had peeled off the last of the 'stickers' they set off to find the others.

As the two men wandered through the store they began to hear some very loud and off-key singing.

"Um, Severus?" Lucius asked tentatively, "Does that song sound familiar to you?"

"You know what, it does".

I've got a golden ticket

I've got a golden twinkle in my eye

Almost simultaneously they recognized the song as being from the muggle movie "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", which the incredibly evil Dark Lord had forced them to watch as a part of his 'brilliant' plan to take over the world through candy. Needless to say, the plan had failed, and it was this failure that had allowed Bellatrix, who had developed a huge problem with the characters tendency to spontaneously burst into song, to get away with brutally and creatively destroying all twenty of Voldemort's copies of the movie.

Wandering in the general direction of the singing, the two men came upon the source within a few minutes and promptly stopped dead in their tracks. The sight before them was one quite capable of mentally scarring even the world's most hardened criminals. Lord Voldemort was waltzing from shelf to shelf, tossing items into an already overflowing cart while performing moves that vaguely resembles pirouettes and singing "I've Got A Golden Ticket". This time Snape, prepared by Lucius' "sticker episode", experienced no twitching and merely paused for a moment before taking a deep breath and striding purposefully towards Voldemort. Lucius on the other hand remained stationary, his mouth hanging wide open while his left eye had drifted farther close than its counterpart. The confused blonde stayed in this position while Severus levitated a still singing Dark Lord onto the top of the mountain of food within the cart. This unique trio then headed off in search of Bellatrix.

Finding her proved to be more of a challenge than finding Lucius and Lord Voldemort. However, after a brief delay in the candy aisle, where they had been forced to physically drag Voldemort away from the display of chocolates ("No! They're on sale! Chocalatey discounted goodness! Noooooooo!"), they located Bellatrix with the beverages, systematically loosening the caps on all of the bottles. Worn out by the previous episodes, Snape simply blinked before wheeling the cart, overflowing with discounted items and a hysterical Lord Voldemort, towards the checkout with Lucius trailing behind. Bellatrix, noticing her companions, quickly replaced the last bottle and chased after the train of villains, knocking into the shelf as she went and causing a tidal wave of sugar-filled, carbonated drinks to come crashing down on an employee, a mother with twins, and two elderly shoppers.

It was a very relieved Snape who finally reached the checkout aisle with his three companions; however, his relief was misguided, for their adventure was far from over. As he began to unload the cart onto the conveyor belt, the cashier began systematically scanning and bagging the items, placing exactly one item in each bag. Sighing, Snape began tapping his foot impatiently. Unfortunately for him, the cashier did not get the message and continued placing exactly one item in every bag, all the while chomping loudly on her gum and pausing occasionally to examine her abnormally long fingernails. After an extremely tedious amount of time, which seemed to Snape to last at least three hours, but was really only twenty minutes, though in the grand scheme of things probably only had the relative length of a millisecond, all of the items had been inserted in their individual bags.

"Sir," the cashier asked in an annoying, droning voice that suggested that she really didn't care, "Do you have a Super Markettm card?"

"No" Snape snapped impatiently.

"Would you like to purchase one?"

"No".

"Using your Super Markettm card gets you lots of discounts that-"

"I don't want one".

"-are not open to other-"

"Stupid cashiers! I said no!"

"-customers. In addition-"

"NO THANK YOU!"

"-we will mail you a copy of-"

"Shut up you imbecile!"

"-Super Markettm Monthly with-"

"Stop talking!"

"-recipes and information about our promotions".

"I DON'T WANT THE BLOODY CARD!"

Half an hour later they returned home, laden down with about a hundred plastic bags and, in Snape's pocket, a small Super Markettm card. Snape was now covered from head to toe in sales stickers, courtesy of the craziest and baldest member of the group. Upon crossing the threshold, the cunning double-agent promptly dropped his share of bags and fell to the floor in an exhausted slump, utterly defeated by the horror that was grocery shopping.

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Sooooooo...what did you think? Tellmetellmetellme! Reeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!


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